What Could Have Been
by bluejayzombie
Summary: Casey attends the reunion for the class of '94 with hopes of reconnecting with the love of his life, where Jane introduces him to the love of her life. / JM. Slightly AU. One-shot.


**Disclaimer:** Rizzoli & Isles and related characters belong to Tess Gerristen, Janet Tamaro and TNT.

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**What Could Have Been**

by srhjk

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It has been nineteen years since Casey Jones has stepped foot in the gymnasium of the school he had graduated from, and once he does there is no doubt in his mind that much has changed in his absence. The four walls are the same bright blue that they always have been, but the two basketball hoops on either side of the room have been replaced recently and the floor beneath his feet is now wood rather than tile.

_St. Dominic's Class of '94 Reunion_ is printed in white on a blue banner welcoming those who walk into the gymnasium. Below it sits a table holding several markers and a pile of stickers, waiting to be used by every student that has not already arrived. Casey scrawls his name hastily on a sticker and slaps it against his shirt within seconds.

As he lifts a hand to smooth down the sticker, he moves to lean his back against the wall. The person attached to the name on his sticker is not the same person as he was when he was eighteen years old, and he wonders just how everyone else he would see tonight has changed since the last time they had spoken. There is no chance that even one of his classmates has remained unchanged since encountering life after high school. There are too many challenges in life, too many obstacles to work past, and changing in the wake of each and every one is inevitable.

However, some people are better off facing the real world. They are able to show parts of themselves that they couldn't before, are able to lead where they could only follow. Though when he tries to think of a single person that has done this, only one comes to mind.

Jane Rizzoli, the only one of his classmates that he prays is exactly the same as she was when he knew her.

One thing Casey prides himself on is being able to compartmentalize. There are sights and sounds that would haunt him every second of every day if he allowed it to, but he was able to shut it down in order to function like a normal human being. However, there are times when Casey allows himself to open up a part of himself that is dangerous to explore. These times where he dwells on what has been and what could have been, had he only done even a single action differently. He is thirty-seven years old and already he has enough regrets to weigh him down for the rest of his life. Every mistake he has ever made follows him around, taunts him and wraps around his limbs like shackles and prevents him from attaining what he desires most: happiness.

A majority of the mistakes he has made are in regards to his relationship with Jane Rizzoli—his departure and inability to fight for her like he should have.

Casey Jones has not been happy since he was eighteen years old, and Jane is at the root of his misery.

It is with vivid clarity that he can recall the moment his heart broke for the first time. They were sitting on the sidewalk in front of her house, his arm around her holding her close beneath a clear blue sky. A basketball was sitting on her lap and their skin was damp with sweat accumulated from the game they had just ended. Jane was telling him that she was accepted to BCU, though she decided she would rather attend the Boston Police Academy and jumpstart her career, though Casey knew she felt college was simply too expensive. And when she had finished telling him, Casey had simply told her that he had joined the army. The argument that followed had broken him and it did not make him feel better to see that Jane just as hurt as he was.

Casey had seen her only once after that day. Training was over and he was home for a week before he would be shipped out to a location that he had never even heard of before, and he was desperate for her to remain in his life. He had told her that his love for her was just as strong as it had always been, and had asked her to marry him and be with him even when he was elsewhere because love was stronger than distance. He had promised her that they would survive, even when they were apart.

Though the response to his proposal was a firm no, and the only communication between for nearly two decades were letters that Jane had started sending him once a month when she finally got her head out of her ass and wanted to be the friend he needed—or so she said—Jane was still the woman he loves. Jane has always been in his heart and he can feel her guiding him, and he wonders how a feeling so profound can remain unacknowledged. It is his love for Jane that brings him to this reunion, his need to surprise her with the news that he is no longer bound to his country the way he has been. He hopes tonight will bring him what he has wanted for a long time, and he will once again see the shine in her eyes that gives him the strength to wake up every morning.

"Casey Jones."

The sound of his name jars Casey, and he turns to greet the smooth voice calling him. Arms wrap around him and dark curls fill his vision, and he immediately notices the change in the woman he is embracing. Where there was once the perfume her mother used to buy for her on every birthday, there is now laundry detergent and lavender. It is so unfamiliar, and Casey has to force himself to focus solely on how it feels to have Jane Rizzoli in his arms once again.

Upon separation, Casey takes a good look at Jane. The woman looks incredible with mischief dancing in her dark eyes and wild black curls falling over her shoulders in a way that makes her look positively breathtaking.

"Casey Jones," she says once again, her hands resting on his forearms. Casey is silent as she takes in his appearance, wants her to like what she sees. "It's been a long time. How is life treating you, old friend?"

_Life has been cruel to me. I constantly ache to feel your touch. I dream of your voice every night. I love you, and I want to be with you. I want us to be in love forever and ever and ever (…and ever…)_

"I'm well, Jane," Casey answers softly. "Especially now. I've missed you, Jane. The letters you send me just aren't the same as seeing your face."

Casey desperately wants to reconnect with this woman, and for their connection to grow without breaking. He wants to someday call Jane Rizzoli his wife, and to live in a house with a white picket fence and two-point-five kids. Perhaps a dog, as well. He wants to make love to her every night and kiss her awake every morning. And God, he wants to see her beautiful face every single day for the rest of his life.

"And how are you?" Casey wonders. "You look good, Jane Rizzoli."

"Actually, its Jane Rizzoli-Isles now," Jane answers, holding up her left hand briefly.

Casey eyes with ring with contempt, his face a mask of slight interest. The ring is beautiful but rather simple, and the sight of it makes him feel sick to his stomach. A moment later he lifts his eyes to Jane's, unable to look at the ring any longer.

"Oh, I didn't realize… you never mentioned getting married in any of your letters," Casey says quietly. "Is your husband here, as well?"

"Actually, no, but… hold on," Jane's words falter as a woman approaches them. Several inches shorter than Jane, the woman has a much lighter complexion with blonde curls reaching nearly her lower back. The diamond on her finger is hard for Casey to miss.

"Sorry I'm late," the blonde murmurs to Jane, looks apologetic as she points over her shoulder. She momentarily ignores Casey in favor of pointing toward the gym's entrance. "Your mother called me about one of the kids Rondo has been mentoring, and then Giovanni caught up to me in the parking lot on the way in."

"Someone say my name?"

Jane and the blonde woman are not pleased by the appearance of Giovanni Gilberti, and it is impossible for Casey to miss the irritation that Jane is so clearly feeling toward the man.

"Hey, it's you! The army dude! Remember me? Giovanni Gilberti!" Giovanni points to his nametag, which reads _Big G_ in huge letters.

"Nice to see you… Big G," Casey greets him.

"You can go away now, G," Jane says with a frown. "We see you enough when you're helping Ma. Why you gotta bother us here, too?"

"C'mon, Janie. I just wanted to tell you how hot you look." Giovanni holds his hands up in defense. "You too, Maura. I don't usually go for fat chicks, but you look hot even with that bun in your oven. Don't you think so, army dude?"

"Back off, Giovanni!" Jane nearly yells. "And I don't ever want to hear you say that again, got it?"

Giovanni nods once in understanding and back away before Jane can hit him, which Casey knows she will do without hesitation. He watches the scene feeling mildly amused, wondering if perhaps there were certain aspects of high school that would never change.

"So, Jane, you were just telling me where your husband is tonight," Casey says once Giovanni is gone.

Jane wraps an arm around the woman beside her and grazes her cheek with her lips before responding. "This is my _wife_, Dr. Maura Isles-Rizzoli."

Casey has to use every ounce of control he has in his body to avoid flinching at the words and demanding that she tell him the truth. Instead he smiles and holds out a hand for Maura to shake, introduces himself, "Casey Jones. Nice to meet you. How long have you two been…"

The word _married_ dies in his throat, but Jane doesn't seem to notice. The dark eyes he loves so much settle on Maura, shining with love and affection that has not been directed toward him in a very long time.

"Two years," Jane answers. "But if you ever run into Ma, she'll tell you it was one. Long story short, we went to the Justice of the Peace and got married without telling her first. It took her a whole year to convince us to have a _real_ wedding."

"And you're…" again, Casey cannot say the words, so he points weakly toward Maura.

"We're expecting our first child later this year," Jane confirms and rests her hand on her wife's stomach, tenderly cradles the barely-there bump beneath her dress. "We spent a fortune while doing extensive research, but it finally paid off. Our kid is biologically both of ours. Maura can tell you more about the process than I can, but it doesn't really matter at this point. All that matters is that soon we'll have a little Jane Jr. running around the house, and it's gonna be a handful."

Even through the crippling pain, Casey manages to smile. "That sounds wonderful, Jane."

"I don't think Jane Jr. is going to work," Maura says, pinches Jane lightly. "Not if your mother has anything to say about it. Which you know she will."

"I'm not sure who's more excited about the kid, us or Ma. She's been sneaking in and leaving books of baby names all over the house, marking the pages with names she likes. God, the woman is crazy," Jane says with a laugh. "Anyway, enough baby talk. How long are you on leave, Casey? Maybe we can grab lunch together before you have to go back."

"I go back in the morning."

Casey can't make himself feel regret for this blatant lie, knowing a few seconds later that it is the right thing to do when Maura kisses Jane as she excuses herself to the restroom. Casey feels bile crawl up his throat as he allows the knowledge that this will be his last meeting with Jane to settle over him. He feels sick to his stomach and he wants to throw up, but he holds himself together until later, after the reunion, and he is alone in his empty apartment. It is cold and he feels empty, hollow in a way he hasn't been in years. Not even Jane rejecting his marriage proposal left him so… broken. How could he have been so stupid?

Jane has always been a strong woman, Casey has known it since the moment they met. Perhaps she was frightening in a way, because she always went after what she wanted and would not relent until it was hers. So seeing her so happy, with a ring on her finger and a child on the way, should have been what he expected to see. Yet it wasn't. And maybe that's on him. Why had he expected Jane to feel the way he did, unable to get over the first person to show him how deep love could run?

The contents of his stomach lurch upward into his throat, and he empties them into the bowl when he allows himself to open up a part of himself that is dangerous to explore. He dwells on what has been and what could have been, had he done even a single action differently.

He is thirty-seven years old and already he has enough regrets to weigh him down for the rest of his life. Every mistake he has ever made follows him around, taunts him and wraps around his limbs like shackles and prevents him from attaining what he desires most: happiness.

Every one of his regrets are now shadowed by the one he made tonight by attempting to connect with Jane Rizzoli—the woman of his dreams. The woman he was introduced to tonight is not Jane Rizzoli—rather she is Jane Rizzoli-Isles, a woman who has been married to a beautiful woman named Maura for two years, and was anticipating the arrival of their first child.

Suddenly Casey laughs, his face resting on the toilet seat as he contemplates the warzone he had only just been allowed to leave. It is an awful thing to even cross his mind, but in that moment Casey is positive that whoever said war is hell has obviously never been to a St. Dominic's class reunion.

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_finis_


End file.
